To the utter disbelief of his friends and family, local hiker John Wilson came up with yet another reason to make the trip to his local REI store this week.
“What could he possibly need? He already has one of those puffy jackets in every single color of the rainbow!” his worried mother lamented.
Sources say Wilson has spent many years practicing the skill of finding new camping gear that he might possibly, potentially use one day, maybe.
“Many people stop shopping for gear once they’ve picked up a backpack, tent and sleeping bag,” Wilson said. “But what if I need a paracord bracelet, camouflage binoculars or thermometer+compass combo on my keychain? I need to be ready for anything out there.”
Worried neighbors and friends tried to show Wilson that he already has boxes and bins overflowing with gear and equipment for every imaginable season and climate. “I don’t know where he think we’re going to fit this stuff in the apartment,” said his anxious girlfriend.
REI is a Washington-based outdoor retailer, known for being “really chill about returns” and for “blowing a hole in my paycheck” according to shoppers we spoke with.
REI CEO Jerry Stritzke tells us, “customers often spend cold nights camping on the sidewalk outside our store for garage sales, when there’s nothing in particular they’re shopping for. I’m not sure I understand what drives them, but it’s great for business.”
REI Retail Associate Camille said that she’s seen hundreds of shoppers walk into the store saying they are just browsing, “and then proceed to walk out with over $250 worth of freeze dried meals and a sleeping bag with arm holes that you wear like a snuggie.”
At press time, Wilson was seen attempting to pack ever last piece of gear he owned into an over-stuffed 120L backpack for a short weekend trip.
This article is satire, duh! Post it on facebook and tag that one friend who never seems to have enough camping equipment. You know the one I’m talking about…